My friend San did a post today that really got me to thinking. You can read her post here http://deardiaryiamfatnowwhat.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-84-dear-diary-and-friendswe-need-to.html?showComment=1349716531220#c4258252165426694181 You can also see my reply to here post and this is actually a continuation of my reply.....because I really needed to put this in writing.
I am a quitter.....I am a person who never finishes.....And I don't know why. Or maybe I do.
I do my dishes, but don't finish washing the silverware. I wipe the table, counters, stove, fridge and do everything else but don't wash all the silverware. Why? I don't know.
I do laundry, I sort it, wash it, dry it, fold it......but I don't get it put away. It just sort of piles up on top of the dryer or on top of the dresser.......Why? I don't know.
I go on a diet and lose 20, 30 even 40 pounds....then quit and gain back twice as much. I quit working out, I quit eating right and I watch the pounds creep back on and just sit back and allow it to happen. Why? Why? Why?
Okay, there's the background for this blog.....and it's true. What is it about some of us that just doesn't work right. Seriously! Many men and women who are overweight just seem to have this switch that turns off when we are doing so well. It's self sabotage and it's oh so hard to fix.
You should see all the craft projects that are almost, but not quite done. Several needlepoint projects that are 75% finished. Crochet afghans that have all the squares completed they just need to be joined together. A quilt that I started for my husband.....7 years ago and all I need to do to finish it is to finish the quilting. Maybe another 15 hours of work. All these things are beautiful......or they will be once their finished. Right now you can see the beauty in all these unfinished works of art, but they are still rough around the edges and of no use to anyone. And they will continue to be of no use to anyone until they are finished,
Is this how I see myself? Now that I put those words on the page.....yes, I would have to say....yes, this is how I feel about myself. Now please don't worry about me....I know what's wrong and I know how to fix it. Putting your feelings into words is a powerful healing medium. And sharing these words with the entire world makes it more important to deal with and fix any problems you have, because your audience is waiting to see the end of the play.
From this day forward, I will FINISH what I start. From putting my clean clothes away....where they belong to doing all my dishes and not leaving anything in the sink. These may sound like little trivial things.....but their not. I guess I could describe it as OCD in reverse....not that I'm comparing it to OCD so please don't take offence. But people with OCD have to have everything in order, my life is more like organized chaos. I know where everything is....it just might take a while to find it.
I know why I sabotage myself, somehow I just don't feel worthy enough to be what I want to be. Oh, don't get me wrong. I've traveled all over the US while I worked in the equine industry. But I quit a job I loved.....for no real reason, other than I just quit. I became an accomplished chef and worked at some very fine restaurants.....but I quit those jobs too. I taught myself to can, bake, quilt, do needlepoint and cross stitch and just a host of other things. I can talk to the guys about rebuilding a 350 Chevy motor or I can tell you all about herbal teas and wild craft foraging. I've done a lot in my 50 years on this earth and I will do a lot more. But the one thing that just keeps falling from my grasp is the ability to finish.....finish anything.
I have to finish something....anything. Finish this blog post and post it....without deleting it and thinking nobody really wants to read this stuff anyway. Because I know you do want to read it. Maybe there are only a couple of you who read it, but I know you want to read it so I will publish it. I have to finish anything and everything I start. I can't keep starting and not finishing. I have to quit sabotaging myself and force myself to complete what I started. I have to train myself that yes, I am worth it. I have done this for the better part of the past 50 years and I don't want to continue doing it for the next 50.
Well good friends, I have to leave you for now because I have to go finish my dishes, put my clean laundry away, and do my exercises for today. I don't want to do these things......but I have to. I have to finish what I started and quit making excuses for why I didn't get things done. I can lie to all of you and you wouldn't know any different, but the one thing I can't do is lie to myself. So off I go to get some things done and begin something that I started a long time ago.....and really need to finish. Until next time have a wonderful day.....and go finish something you started. It's good for the soul.
The Real Happy Homemaker